While it may seem pretty basic, to communicate effectively there are some fundamental communication skills that we sometimes forget to use or use well. These three key skills are: listening, understanding and asserting. When used appropriately, they can lead to greater success with difficult conversations, coaching staff, giving feedback to peers, expressing your opinions, and so on.
Listening
Effective communication also involves fully listening to the message. Open body language such as uncrossing arms, making eye-contact, nodding, leaning forward, and facing the person speaking, show that you are attending to what they are saying, and you aren’t distracted. Failure to attend can be an immediate block to communication, as people don’t feel like they are being heard.
Active listening, and reflecting back what the person is saying, is also crucial as it demonstrates that you understand what they are trying to say.
- Paraphrasing – repeating what they have said, but in your own words
- “So, your IT team is growing across both Australia and the rest of the Asia Pacific.”
- Reflection – repeating the underlying emotion or feelings in what they have said in your own words
- “Your move from the UK seems to have been a really enjoyable and rewarding experience.”
- Clarification – asking questions to determine if your understanding is correct
- “I’m not quite sure I understand what you are saying.”
- “I don’t feel clear about the main issue here.”
- “When you said …….. what did you mean?”
- “Could you repeat …?”
- Summarising – putting the main points of the conversation into your own words
- “It seems that overall you are aiming to do … while maintaining… ”
Good questioning is essential in properly understanding the message. In most situations, the most effective type of questions are those that are open-ended and relevant. They are useful because they cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no”. They:
- elicit information without creating defensiveness
- allow the individual to express their point of view
- allow discussion to develop
- encourage individuals to come up with their own solutions.
Open-ended questioning is harder than you might think! But as an easy tip, open-ended questions generally begin with what, who, when, where, how, and why.
Understanding
The most effective communication happens when each party understands the other’s perspective and emotions, making it a conversation rather than simply a transaction. Being aware of others’ feelings helps to build rapport and shows that you value the other person. For example, being sympathetic to their losses and happy for their achievements and successes, and getting to know the person and their situation, can really make an impact. Asking for their opinions, and considering the emotional impact of what you are saying or how you are saying it, can also produce positive outcomes.
Our emotions largely affect how we communicate, and can sometimes result in us seeing things through a certain lens, or making judgements before the person has finished speaking. Showing empathy by trying to see things from others’ perspectives, without judgement or our usual preconceived bias, can help to clarify their point of view. Try to be aware of when your emotions and judgement creep in, and try to be clear and honest when offering your perspective.
Asserting
Finally, when communicating, you want your own message to get across to the other party. Assertiveness is expressing yourself in ways that accurately represent your feelings, opinions or preferences – without putting yourself or others down in the process.
Many people find it hard to be assertive. One of the barriers to assertive communication is the self-defeating belief that “I don’t have the right to express my opinions, beliefs, or feelings”. Often, people will feel guilty if they do try to assert themselves, and they will resort to aggressiveness (being pushy), passiveness (not speaking up for yourself, and putting your needs last), or passive-aggressiveness (expressing angry or aggressive feelings in an unopen way).
There are three basic things you need to start believing, before you can be assertive[1]:
- You have the same right as others to express yourself and be heard
- If you exercise this right to be heard, you may find you are happier
- In the long-term, being non-assertive may hurt you and your relationships
Finally, try to avoid “you” messages, such as “you were being rude in our meeting”. They can be confronting and the focus is placed on the person and not the problem. Because “you” messages make it seem like you are attacking or blaming the other person, the listener may become defensive, which isn’t the best way to start. Instead, try to use “I” messages, such as “I felt annoyed when you left the meeting to answer your phone twice”. In this way, you own the feedback and the focus is on the behaviour, not on the person, giving them a chance to change it.
[1] Counselling and Psychological Services (CAPS), (July 2011). Learning to Communicate Effectively. The University of Sydney.