As performance review time approaches, many organisations and managers start to focus on how to give their team members constructive feedback. Of course, constructive corrective feedback should be given all year round, so that the performance review becomes more of a recap of the year’s feedback and progress, but that’s a topic for another day.

For most of us, the focus is on how to give feedback, not how to receive it. Most development and training about feedback is focused on the giver, and how they can improve their approach to giving feedback, so that the receiver is more likely to act on it. But, when you think about it, the success of the feedback actually relies more on the receiver’s ability to understand, accept and take action on the feedback. In fact, if we think about the endgame, the receiver is in complete control of the outcome itself.

Why do we resist feedback?

Our Fear

When someone says, “Can I give you some feedback?”, what do you think of? Even though feedback can be positive or negative, most of us think of being given feedback as a negative experience. In fact, research suggests that when trying to improve an individual’s willingness to receive corrective feedback, our fear of the feedback experience has three times the impact than does developing the skills of the feedback giver (Zenger & Folkman, 2015).

This fear can be reduced across an organisation by introducing a culture of seeing feedback as normal and positive. Managers can also start to give corrective coaching feedback more regularly, and can take the step of regularly asking for feedback on their own performance, to normalise asking for feedback.

Our Ego

We aren’t all ego-maniacs, but we do all have an ego. It’s our sense of self-importance, self-perception or self-esteem. And, whether our ego is big or small, feedback can seem like a threat to it, a threat to how we see ourselves.

Management consultant Dick Grote suggests that most of the time, when given corrective feedback, we listen defensively. We look for exaggerations, inaccuracies and incorrect conclusions. The thing is, when we are defensive we often become argumentative and close-minded to the feedback, and then we take no action.

Plus, if we only seek out or listen to positive feedback that reinforces our behaviour (and makes our ego feel great), then we miss valuable opportunities to learn and grow.

Instead, Grote suggests actively telling ourselves to listen to the feedback without planning our response. Try to assume that the feedback giver has good intentions and wants to help you improve. Remember, they are criticising your work, not who you are as a person.

Our Brain

From a neurological perspective, dangers and risks that we encounter trigger our automatic, primitive threat response – ‘fight or flight’. Leading NeuroLeadership expert, David Rock, suggests that, as social creatures, negative feedback can also trigger this response, particularly feedback that impacts our sense of:

• Status: our perceived importance relative to others
• Certainty: our sense of familiarity, clarity and understanding
• Autonomy: our level of control and freedom in our lives
• Relatedness: our sense of safety or trust, particularly with those in a different social group, team, or level in the organisation
• Fairness: our perception of respect, equality and justice

Rock suggests trying to view feedback as an exciting opportunity to learn and improve. If you find feedback to be ambiguous or confusing, ask questions to clarify and better understand the feedback given to you. If you feel as though feedback is taking away your sense of autonomy, try to understand the purpose of the processes and guidelines being spoken about (it’s usually about increasing quality or efficiency of work) and how they can help you be more successful. If you’re distancing yourself from the feedback giver because you’re hurt by what they have said, try to remind yourself of the connection you have with the feedback giver and behaviour that shows you have a supportive and trusting relationship with them. And finally, try not to compare yourself with others during feedback.

Growth Mindset

Psychologist Carol Dweck and her colleagues have shown that there are growth mindsets (those who believe their talents can be developed through hard work and learning) and fixed mindsets (those who believe their talents are innate gifts). We all have a combination of growth and fixed mindsets, which change and evolve based on how we view our experiences.

Recent emphasis in the business world has been on a growth mindset. In a growth mindset, we learn to see feedback and criticism as an opportunity to grow, learn and develop. Failure is encouraged and celebrated as a learning opportunity, as is corrective feedback. But creating a growth mindset isn’t just about taking risks and putting in effort – it’s about the learning, progress and the processes involved, such as the benefits of seeking help from others and trying something new.

That said, we all have triggers that pull us back into a fixed mindset, like the ones mentioned above. Learning to recognise these triggers, and how they can reduce a growth mindset, is key. The next step is how to work with these triggers to pursue goals that challenge you.

Becoming a better feedback receiver

• Actively listen to feedback without planning your reply
• Start to change your mindset – your talents aren’t all innate, most of them you learnt and honed over time
• Recognise the triggers that pull you back into a fixed mindset – how can you acknowledge them but also put them aside so you can learn?
• Try to view feedback as a great opportunity to grow and develop
• Ask questions to clarify and better understand the feedback
• Try to understand the purpose of the processes and guidelines raised in your feedback and how they can help you be more successful
• Remind yourself of the relationship you have with the feedback giver – they are probably trying to help you improve! Assume they are coming from a good place
• And finally, try not to compare yourself with others during feedback

References

Dweck, C. (2016). What having a “growth” mindset actually means. Harvard Business Review published 13 January 2016. 

Zenger, J. & Folkman, J. (2015) Feedback: The Leadership Conundrum. Talent Quarterly pp31-38.

Grote, D. (2015). How to Handle Negative Feedback. Harvard Business Review. Published 17 August 2015. 

Rock, D. (2009). Managing with the brain in mind. strategy + business, issue 56.